Journal Retrospective: Stuck

May 3, 2001

New journal, new pen. This pen writes wicked nice. This is my attempt to get “in touch” with my feelings. So far no feelings have been touched.

Working with a doctor to examine my head. I can hear him asking, “So how does that feel?”

My reply, “How does what feel?”

Amazing how hard it is to place a feeling. I am not allowed to say I don’t know (via the doctor). That is not helpful.

I remember one of my first diaries. It was written full. I wrote how I felt in there a lot. (Note: a lot is two words and not one word.) I tore up that diary, embarrassed by my emotions. Wish I still had it. Would be interesting to see what I wrote.

How do I feel today?

Tired, but tired is not a feeling. Is it? Lately I have been having many bad feelings and I want to cry. Last night I did a lot, which is unusual. I feel I’m loosening up on the tight grip I have on myself. The doctor is right, I never relax. He also confirms my feelings about going too fast. Going to take this one step at a time.

My jaw hurts. Hurts a lot (see a lot – two separate words). I have been clenching my teeth out of stress, job related stress due to a deadline for Vida en el Valle. It’s looking good though.

How do I feel about my job? 

I like what I do. I love the creativity and the development that goes into it.

How do I feel about myself as a child?

Sad. I am very sad for that little girl. I feel like crying for her. I wish I could hold her as if she were my own daughter and rock her to sleep. I would keep her safe and make sure she felt loved.

I am also really pissed off that a child has to grow up feeling like that. Even worse, that child was me. Me. I am stuck inside of me.

Does that make sense?

 

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